chronicling my shitty past 24 hours because ts is. Insane. im on my phone though so i cant rly do any of the formatting shit or whatever. its fine. anyways. 1) have dance yesterday 2)feel very "omg. I am So fat" 3) feel sad when get home. drink cup of some shitty alcohol in green bottle i found in friedge and entire bottle of almond extract. with coke zero as chaser 4) drop empty cup on the floor(i am drunk)! shatters into million pieces on bathroom floor. glass in foot! its not bad though and it dowsnt hurt anymore thank god 5) spend 30 minutes cleaning up five trillion pieces of glass from my bathroom floor 7) cry to sleep andisten to sparks thinking about this pretty girl 8) wake up at 8:30 for 9 am school! 9) arrive late to spanish class (we have test) and want to die. fukcking bomb the simulated conversation. teacher gives me a page that somehow has no back but only a cfront so i only answer two questions and then she has to give me the back page and i have to stay testing when other people are done because she gave me thr wrong fucking page 10) english test. fucking hate my english teacher 11) gym with friends. "Oh my god i am so fat." i literally want to die 12) think about girl and feel sad because she doesnt like me 13) get home and eat part of muffin for literally no fucking reason at all 14) decide to skip dance because one: there is a goant fucking fat ass pimple on my forehead and two. i am fat. call that situational irony! 15) throw up to fuckahh car seat headrest. so rhat is my day and my mom clmes home to ight so im genuinely going to kill myself because shes going to be so angry at me for missing dance because like i get it like it costs money and im not fucking on top of my shit at all i iust like i cant likw im so fucking scared and im so disappointed in myself like i genuinely cant do shit like why am i so fucking incompetent what the fuck is wrong with me. and i like this girl so bad and i just feel like a creep bc she doesnt like me i think but i dont even know if i actually like her anyways because sometimes my brain just does weird shit to me

relapsing for like the billionth time or whatever because i cant stand myself

im so close to killing myself i dont even say this as hyperbole or like overexaggeration or something like im counting out the pills and i have enough. literally the only things thats stopping me is that it wont work fucking AGAIN. but im doing the math and the research this time and 760mg should be enough but i read a study where some girl took 800 and survived just with a shit ton of medical complications which is NOT happening to me. options are either research paper or lots of pills with risk of shitty medical conditions but also potential to have all of this be over fiiinally. i dont even want to go to school i dont want to go to college i just want someone to love me

i am cooked also if i ever make it to college literally just because i already have shitty problems with drinking to get away from shit and alcohols gonnaa be so much more accessiblr in college -- if i make it! i just want to die to spite everybody that was mean to me. how petty and awful is that

my list of shit to do is just becoming my list of stuff i could leave behind if i killed myself

looking back at old bodychecks is genuinely so triggering because i was actually like almost skinny at one point😭😭😭 at least more skinny than i am rn like i was so close and i just gave up😭😭😭 im getting back on my grind rn but i am genuinely so mad at myself. like even in 2024 like LAST YEAR i looked decent but i fully let myself go. theres one that i genuinely look at and mourn for like holy fucking shit why was my body almost tea for like 2 singular seconds

on the bright side of things im realizing that im definitely more flexible this year which is actually really fun because its kind of fun now to do rond de james and developpes at barre which is super new. but im working on my a la seconde developpe which is hard but a LOT better than it was last yr. only things i need to really lock in on now are fuckahh arabesque and DUMB STUPID AWFUL TURNS i SWEAR to god i genuinely hate them so fucking bad im so genuinely UGHHHHH GOD. and arabesque i really have to get good at because our variation fo4r one of my classes this year is a giselle one with like five million chugs in arabesque. also another reason why i have to lock in on getting skinny because i swear theres nothing in the world worse than being fat and doing anything to the back in ballet. thats my ballet update for now oki bai

Oki this one is just for me annd randos so if u know me irl.. goodbye!

this girl is genuinely like killing me like my mood is now dependent on HER mood she makes me feel sick like my stomach hurts around her. i always feel like shes mad at me or like she actually hates me because she just like wont respond sometimes. or shell jsut be like dry. like we were literally on such SUCH good terms like literally a week and a half ago and now i feel like she wont talk to me and idk what i did. its making me really fucking sad and idk i miss her like a lot. idk if its something i did or if shes just also having a bad week but i want to spend time with her so fucking bad i literally miss her so much UGHHH UGHH GOD. i genuinely dont know wtf is wrong with me i dont want to feel like thisi just want to feel normal but like i genuinely cant stop liking her like UGH. i want her to like me so bad im literally doing everything for her i just want her to want to spend time with me

maybe its literally just because im stupid and hormonal and a teenager or whatever but i just want her to like me so bad. i feel like no ones ever liked me romantically and like obviously people cant help that but i just want someone to love me so bad like i feel like its not something im ever going to get to experience because nobody ever likes me like that. and like this is so cheesy but like i literally just want this girl to TALK to me about whats wrong and i just want to take care of her and give her a hug and like buy her things and make her feel as happy as she makes me feel. but like i cant do half of that shit and half the time i feel like she doesnt even want to talk to me. i mean like i guess i really wish i could have something with her romantically (ts is cringe asf im sorry) but like i would literally settle for and be so infinitely happy if i could just like spend time with her and make her happy. idk i care about her so so so much i literallu just want her to be happy. but she almost never tells me about any of the shit shes struggling with soi cant even help her anyway. idk i just want to be the person she feels like she can vent to because i UGHHH UGHHHSDFIUHHDFHDL i dont even know what im talking about anymore

i feel like i was put on this planet literally just to dance and write and sing and make friends and make music and i hate having to do everything else that comes with being alive like it is just so difficult and taxing to keep up with even basic things and i have no motivation to do homework

it feels so stupid of me that the thing thats hardest for me to keep up with is homework. like i feel like i can do well in my classes i just dont understand why i cant do any of the busywork and the homework and stuff and i just sound stupid and lazy but its so fucking hard to get myself to do shit and i dont know why because it looks so easy for everyone else. but maybe i just am lazy and its hard for them too they just get their asses up and actually do shit. idk. idk why i dont do that. i should be doing that right now tbh literally just thinking about this is making me cry

i dont know how im going to get through life when its this fucking hard for me to just pick up a pencil and start fucking doing shit. it is genuinely dumb and i feel so fucking stupid and so incompetent

i just wish everyone knew how hard im trying im trying so so hard and it still feels like everybody hates me like i feel like im not likeable at all like im not a likeable enough person to be anyones best friend or anyones anything im just kind of there and i know everybody feels like that about me because im not anyones best friend and i never have been which obviously isnt something that anyone can help like its no ones fault i just wish i knew what im doing wrong and like how i can fix myself because i know theres so much thats wrong with me and i just want people to like me so bad

bruh i was gonna make this a happy entry

i havent even drank in like a long time and i miss drinking and i wish i had pills or something to take

if you're still reading this and u know me irl u are not allowed to read any more

i think she would like me so much more if i was prettier too like i dont know why she doesnt like me or care about me at all and i know there must be some way to make her care about me i feel like she doesnt give a shit about anything about me. like she never fucking responds to me and it makes me want to die so bad because i just want her to like me so fucking bad. i thought we were at least friends and now it feels like she just forgot about me and now i dont have anyone that actually cares about me anymore. but idek if she even cared about me in the first place. i just miss her so bad she wont even respond to me but i miss her so so fucking bad. i feel like my mood depends on whether or not she responds to me and im always checking my phone just to see if shes texted me and its always her telling me shes busy or like a one fucking word answer and i just miss her so bad i miss her so fucking bad. i know this has to be some sort of unhealthy thing or whatever but i dont want to stop caring about her i just want her to care about me back. i dont know how to stop it either so im just fucked! and im shit at closing my fucking mouth so now its just me quintuple texting her every day like an embarassing fucking clingy ex. literally how fucking embarassing is that.

i actually on second thought dont even want to like her anymore i dont even want to talk to her if she never sends me anything back i just cant stop myself from t4exting her things and sending her tiktoks and shit because shes like been the first person in so long that it felt like she actually cared about me and wanted to make time for me but like i feel like all this is telling me is just that no one ever really actually cares anymore when they get close to me because im fucked up and im not funny and i overshare too much and im too clingy and im ugly. and i feel like i cant fix half that shit so i dont know how to make anyone care about me i just want someone to care about me

i feel like it cant be normal for a crush to make me suicidal right??? okay on second thought that obviously isnt normal but like even excluding the crush part she just makes me suicidal in general because shes the first person in so long that i feel like has actually cared about me and wanted to be friends with me and now im just repeating myself but i just wish i knew why she just like randomly doesnt give a fuck about me anymore i dont know what i did i just want to know what i did becuase maybe i can fix things

im so fucking stupid because im only watching this show for her and im only listening to this music because of her and im only fucking playing this game for her and i only got my hair done a while ago for her and i keep doign my makeup on days that i think im going to see her only just for her to bail on me like i didnt just spend so much effort trying to look pretty in front of her

fuck my life i want to die

i dont have anything left to say

im just writing this so i dont try to talk to her

i just desperately wish something could kill me like i want a car to hit me randomly i want to die so fucking bad i just dont want to do it and that is so beyond pathetic that i dont know what to call it

i need someone to tell me how i can fix my life because i feel so stuck and so fucking deep in this fucking hole i dug that i dont even know how to start fucking getting out of it

not for people who know me irl

my most recent thought is that i feel like theres something wrong with my face like i think the proportions are all wrong. my cheeks go out too far and theres something strange about my eyes also my nose is like too long and too short at the same time and too wide. and my lips are like not wide enough which is worse becaue my cheeks are too wide. or something like that i dont even know its just that something looks wrong

i was in spanish class today and i really dont like my spanish teacher. ive been really depressed lately much more than ive been in a very long time and i didnt do my spanish homework and she like emailed me and cced my advisors and just basically did way too much and i just wish she knew that im more focused on not killing myself than on doing my stupid spanish homework. but she basically kept calling me out in class and like calling on me even when i wasnt raising my hand i guess because i just wasnt participating but i just have been wanting to disappear like i dont want to talk in class and i dont want to do these group things that she keeps making us do. but i felt so much anxiety about being called out like that and i dont know why she thinks that would help anything. but i was trying not to cry and i went to the bathroom to calm myself down and try not to cry and i walked out and i swear i literally looked like an alien

i dunno i have literally never seen myself look like that before i think i literally looked insane my face was so uncanny and like freakish especially my eyes

ive been really depressed for the past couple of weeks more than i think ive been since 8th grade and i dont think ive cried this much in a long time either. the rest of this is like tmi i guess. trigger warning for suicide i guess but i guess i sort of attempted yesterday but i dont really know if it counts. i guess i got really upset or something and i was like researching methods or whatever even though theres really not that much stuff online for stuff like that. i tried meds and like pills already last year and i didnt really have enough then so i wasnt super keen on trying that again and i dont really know how to tie a noose or annything but ive heard of people dying from strangulation so i sort of tried to do it with a belt? it didnt work obviously i just felt like my eyelids were kind of pulsing and my head was too big for my body and like my ears were going like outwards and sideways. i sorta felt lightheaded and my breathing felt weird through my mouth but i couldnt really restrict breathing for my nose 100% which i guess was just user error. i couldve pulled harder but i guess i just gave up because it was taking really long and i guess i was sort of scared. idk why i thought it was goingto work in the first place though because i feel like i wouldnt have been able to do that like manually i guess if you know what i mean idk. but like basically now all im stuck with is like a fucked up belt which is pretty annoying. i told my friend about it in the moment too which is kind of not good because i think i basically ruined our friendship and i feel terrible. i dont really think im a good person and i wish she would block me tbh i wish EVERYONE would block me because i feel likei dont really have a positive effect on everyone i feel like i just bring people down which is like a completely valid reason to not want to be friends with me. so i guess i just feel like it would be better for her if she didnt talk to me anymore

writing a goodbye note was like kind of enlightening i guess but i dont know what to do with it now. i dont really want to delete it though because i feel like its a memory and i like saving memories and i might need it later anyways so i dont know if i want to get rid of it. i just think lik logically there are more things i wouldnt miss than things i would miss. but also i wouldnt be around to miss anything either but to that point a net neutral would be better than a net negative also? i dont really know but i feel like every which way you reason it you just come out to the fact that i would be better off not here anymore. i guess theres the argument that like other people would miss me or something like that but im still not sold on the fact that if i was dead that everyone else would still actually exist which doesnt really make sense but i guess im thinking along the lines of the fac tthat i dont really know if anyone is real in the first place? it feels a lot of times like the world isnt actually really real because i dont really idk. i dont understand how i could actually exist. but i dont know if i necessarily believe that anything would exist if i was dead which is kind of self centered now that i think about it but idk. i guess what im getting at is like what if all of this is my imagination and like nothing is real or something like that

on the brighter side im sort of losing weight again because ive been trying to get back to doing omads every day

ive been listening a lot to drinking by boa and falling apart by slow pulp because with drinking it feels kind of like boa is talking to me. i feel like its a very human thing to make everything all about ourselves which is i guess what im doing right now. but i guess i do feel sort of connected to the song in that way. i dont really know what shes talking about compeltely so im pretending that like some of the lyrics are things ill figure out maybe later in life (potentially) like when she says "you'll find the answer far away from home" i imagine it to be myself in college maybe. which gives me hope that maybe things could get better later in life. ive also been resonating with falling apart i guess because i am sort of going back to falling apart and i guess i am good at that. cringey becasues its on tiktok but i also do kind of really feel connected with imposter syndrome by sydney gish the audiotree live version. i would like to do a close analysis of the lyrics becuase i like what she does with the dog allusions and stuff with like diction as well like instincts and the k9 lyrics. i feel similar to what shes talking about with not feeling human and i am pretty certain that whats wrong with me is my incompetence which is i guess what shes talking about. take a shot every time i say i guess.

i feel like sort of like im a lost cause becuase there are too many things wrong with me like my habits and my personality and mostly my habits i hesitate to say addiction because i feel like thats too clinical of a term and i dont want to self diagnose or something with anything. i know that what i have with alcohol isnt an addiction becuase i dont do it regularly at all its just something that makes me feel better like every couple weeks or so. i know thats not really a healthy way to use it but i at least dont think im addicted. i think the other thing doesnt count eitehr and i think the thing with eating might count but im just not good enough at it for it to ever count as an actual addiction i think? im definitely addicted to tiktok though lmao. or something similar. idk thats pretty much it

ive literally been making my posts too long for my code to handle😭like i didnt even know that was possible maybe its a neocities thing because WOW i just tested it and my last post is 1400 words 😭 for some reason it doesnt show the whole thing but i guess its fine

i think like my most favorite favorite thing ever in ballet isthe little hand movement you do after a pique arabesque when youre about to double back to do like a chasse tour jete. its not even like an actual step or anything and ive always been doing it unconsciously but i just noticed it. im wondering if its like just a me thing because ive never heard anyone talk about it but i feel like its like a natural thing to do like sort of flexing the hand a little bit before you relax it again for the chasse. i love it

i talked to my therapist today about things not like suicidal things or like food things because im not brave enough to bring either of those up but like a bit about depression and other things that ive been dealing with recently. it was sort of helpful i think becuas ei think i feel at least maybe a little bit more prepared? not sure but i really like my therapist im not comfortable sharing everything with her but i feel like shes definitely the best therapist ive ever had. mostly just because the other ones were total bs or like i just didnt connect with them at all. but thats like a good thing that happened to me

i can like feel myself getting back into my prime with the food stuff and im so happy about it because i forgot how GOOD it feels like to be doing well in that area or whatever. i obviously still hate the way i look and stuff like that but like the physical sensation is at least a million times better. and like it feels actually Productive like yes im doing something about this and im in control of what i eat and what im doing in this area of my life. ive never really understood when people talked about liek a motivating factor of this kind of thing being the ability to have control over it. mostly because i didnt feel like i had control over the food stuff either and the motivating factor was always just like im ugly and fat and like this helps at least a little bit. but like something clicked for me about that today like yes i actually do feel in control of this in comparison to everything else in my life right now. so i do feel good about that right now and i like being able to track things and time things and take measurements and stuff like that because i just like the numbers and the concreteness of everything. thats i think why i used to love like the calculation aspect of this whole thing and like adding everything up and comparing it to my bmr and whatever calories i burned and like tracking it and stuff like that. just because it feels so concrete and like productive and i just like to Know things about it. like be knowledgable in that area and fully informed on like the numbers and everything. thats part of why purging sucks because i dont know how to measure how many calories it gets rid of. and thats why family dinners suck just because i dont know how many calories are in what im eating. knowing my family probably a shit ton. i used to just estimate 800 for most dinners no matter how little of it i ate and i think thats what im going to start doing again since im back on like omad stuff. i dont know how i had the self ocntrol today to like go to the cafeteria today and not eat stuff but im at least really happy about that. like i love that feeling of having the self control and feeling disciplined because i am NOT a disciplined person in anything literally ever 😭 but yeah thats basically what ive been thinking recently

little later now but im remembering now all of the struggles that i had when i was deep in purging stuff about like losing my singing voice and stuff. i already feel it like every time i purge that afterwards i cant really sing which. I cant really sing period. but like especially bad after i purge which is really sad for me because thats like one of my instruments. like thats what i use to get out all of these feelings and how i like engage with music and thats such a big part of myself and i dont want to lose that to something superficial or like not even superficial because i guess this whole thing with food is a really big part of myself but yeah. i dont want to lose my ability to sing to this whatever is wrong with me i guess. so im struggling with that a little bit i guess

purging is such a cheat code i feel but like its just fucking disgusting like what the fuck am i doing with my life like is this seriously who i am and like what im doing with the person that i am like its just such a disgusting thing and i hate it but i dont feel like its something ill ever be able to stop doing completely

also i miss wearing nails and shit. i wear them sometimes even though i play guitar but like now that im purging again i like. cant. like for obvious reasons just becuas elike. having nails. on like my fingers. and then like purging. like that doesnt really work and it hurts a lot more when i purge with long nails so i dont really want to ahve them. my nail biting habit is like getting so bad as well like my fingers have been hurting becuase i keep biting too much nail off 😭which is just like Bruh. idk

IM LITERALLY MAKING A NEW POST JUST FOR THIS BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING ANGRY. THEY GOT RID OF THE FASTING APP I USED TO USE. LIKE THEY JUST GOT RID OF IT. LIKE DELETED IT FROM THE APP STORE. ITS BEEN LIKE THIS FOR MONTHS APPARENLTY AND I HAD NO IDEA. IM SO ANGRY. IT WAS LITERALLY MY HOLY GRAIL. IM SO ANGRY. ITS LITERALLY JUST GONE. AND LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONLY CONNECTION I HAD LEFT WITH THE ONLY FRIEND THAT I ACTUALLY REALLY CONNECTED WITH ON EDTWT. AND ALL OF MY STATISTICS AND SHIT ARE JUST GONE. IM SO FUCKING ANGRY AND NOW I HAVE TO FIND AN ENTIRELY NEW APP AND IM GENUINELY SO PISSED

perhaps not a post to read if you struggle with food issues

My family. Keeps making. The best fucking food. When i am trying not to eat. Yesterdya my mom made lasagna. I fucking love lasagna. I had to throw ts up chat it was bad. i literally got home from dance today and im fasting and theres mediterranean food on the table. im so FUCKING pissed that i cant eat this. im about to put it up in like a little container and maybe eat some of it when im done fasting but like bruh are we serious. im so grateful that my parents make food and shit andd theyre loving enough to do stuff like this and that we even have the ability to eat food like this in the first place and have access to grocery stores and everything. but also at the same time i wish they just wouldnt make me eat this shit like idk.

on the brighter side this year i have dance until 9 on wednesdays and 8 45 on thursdays which means my family is done eating by the time i get home. which also means i can sneakily put the food back in the fridge and stuff like that without actually eating any of it. which is GREAT because now i can actually fast. family dinners have always been like the one thing stopping me from doing big fasts (other than the fact that i have no self control whatsoever) but now since its wednesday and thursday tha i can skip family dinners then i can fast from tuesday night dinners to friday night dinners for 72 hours as a goal. potenitally weekly. im getting ahead of myself because ive only made it to wednesday now and idk how the next couple of days will go but i do feel good right now and im hoping that tomorrow will also be good

problem is that i know the first few days of fasting are always the worst. and obviously because of family dinenrs and shit i cant actually do week long fasts or anything like that without becoming EXTREMELY suspicious extremely fast. so basically if i do end up doing long fasts im js gonna be stuck with the worst part of the fast every time i do it. idk if that makes sense at all. in the past when ive tried doing longer fasts day 2 has always been the worst so i am worried about tomorrow. especially because the classes and shit that i have to do tomorrow are definitely more mentally taxing than usual and i dont know if im going to have the energy for that. but yeah im hoping for the best. not gonna get a lot of sleep tonight but im hoping to catch up on sleep thursday night because i feel like its a hunger cheat code. naps are literally the ultimate strat. but yeah im working on it and on EVERYBODYS soul i will be skinny by christmas. the insta post is going to be so fucking fire and i will be so cute. and then for my birthday i can actually like look cute and shit. and im not going to look as fucking ugly in the holiday dance performances i have and stuff. doing ballet and being fat is honestly the worst punishment anyone can ever get and im so excited and SO hoping that i can escape that hell hopefully asap. honeymoon i feel you coming back and i am so excited

INSANE and INCREDIBLY surreal to think about but i just remembered the names of some of the people i loved on edtwt. i remember eden because she was the only person i had that i kept up with for a little bit after deleting the app and i remember vienna vaguely as well but i just remembered sao and rex and i miss them both immensely. i hope theyre both doing alright. i think theyre both 19 now and i really really hope theyre navigating life and figuring things out and hopefully recovered. sao was my girl and tbh i was a little bit afraid of rex but he was buddy buddy with sao so i did end up bonding w him a little bit and i remember his spiderman thing! they were kind of like older siblings to me for a little bit. and this is totally all just a tangent but tldr i miss all of the friends that i had and i hope they are all doing so much better

warning for disordered eating stuff. probsbly dont read if u struggle with that

i was like definitely right in my memory that day 2 is the hardest bcause i literally feel like my body hates me which is so dramatic and definitely an overexaggeration but like ohhh my god. my back and my knees are genuinely so so sore from dance yesterday and im So tired like So tired and obviously im like ugh really hungry and ive been so nauseous all day like my stomach hurts really bad. i guess its just because im getting used to fasting again but just ughhhhh. its not fun. but im going thru with it and i dont know if im going to dance today but if idont then i think im just going to try to take a nap and sleep through family dinner so i can keep fasting tomorrow. im at 44 hrs right now the goal is 72 and i think its very plausible

i just like desperately do not want to go to school tomorrow. the only reason i think im going to force myself to go is just because i have a meeting thats like semi important

and i just kind of hate being as insecure as i am because im so scared of like dressing up as anything just because i hate getting judged. and i always feel like people are judging me. i just wish it was like a common thing for people to like say it outright to my face if im being weird or being annoying or being stupid and stuff like that becuase i want to better myself and i want to be a better person and a better friend. i just feel like everyone hates me secretly and they all tlak to eachother about me and how awful and annoying i am when im not there. thats like my biggest fear ever and it scares me so bad

ive just been feeling so awful and so depressed all the time like worse than its been in So long. i know i talked about this in another entry but like gernuinely i dont enjoy anything im so sad and i feel so bad about myself and i hate myself so so bad i just want things to stop because i feel like this feeling never stops and neither does anything else in my life. literally i just wish i had a pause button where i could just like stop everything and sleep for a long time and just like be able to not talk to anyone or worry about anything just because i feel like everyone hates me and so much is always happening. its dumb to say i just want a break because like. my life is not hard at all compared to so many people but i literally do just want things to stop so badly

experiment is over and yes i have rediscovered that my mood does depend heavily on the medication i take! not sure why i keep forgetting this!

playing games makes me feel happy like literally nothing else does. im playing 2 new games im so so so happy. first one is dispatch and i am SO torn between the 2 love interests like. Spoilers. But Ok i think blonde blazer is more attractive physically buuuut i think invisigal's personality is more attractive. i chose to go to the movie theater with invisigal and it paid off because her and robert are SOO CUTE OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH IM REALLY ROOTING FOR THEM!!! i might js do another save file so i can go out with blonde blazer because ok i do love her too. also i love that jacksepticeye voices one of the characters because im giggling whenever he starts talking like its chuckleworthy. the graphics are also like insanely good and the dialogue is like really funny 😭 and like it gets randomly freaky sometimes 😭 but its like such a good game im so excited for the other episodes to come out. perhaps i will add it to my games page

other game i js started today is persona 5 royal and i LOVE it so far ive been listening to the music all day while cleaning my room its sooo good. im listening to the ost as i write this (no more what ifs)! im already sort of familiar with a few of the characters but i think im a couple of hours in rn and JOKER IS SO TUFF I LOVE HIM. also i like ryuji. morgana is pmo right now. but the graphics and design stuff are super cool and i love the style its super different to a lot of other games ive played. but ive always loved turn based games like pokemon and child of light so its super super fun!!!! im gonna go back to playing it in a couple of minute

grade checks are out today and im doing better than i thought i was which is like a little bit of a relief becuase i thought i was gonna have like all bs or something

i love english class like so much. like so so much. like im actually enjoying doing my english homework and i NEVER enjoy doing ANY homework so its kind of weird. but like me and my english teacher have our differences and i think ive mentioned in another entry that i literally hate her BUT. Im having a slight change of heart. i dont think i mesh with her as a person and we have our differences in opinion on how english class should be taught. However. i do really appreciate having conversations with hr because ive gone to see her a couple of times and i like the way she thinks. and i love talking to people like i just like to hear peoples opinions and debate with people and i really look up to people that know a lot of stuff. and i might not like her as a person but like i do respect her knowledge in what she does and i do enjoy talking to her sometimes. so ive had a bit of a change of heart there

i didnt go to school today because halloween gives me a ton of anxiety and i kind of had an episode thing this morning.which is so lame. but im very grateful to my mom becuase normally in the past shes forced me to go to school i guess but ive had this halloween thing for so long now that i guess she went easy on me this morning and told me i can not go today and that shell tell the school im sick as long as i clean my room completely. i am so grateful like incredibly grateful. i really have been disliking being at school more and more because i dont know how to talk to people and it stresses me out so bad

on second though i guess the meds experiment wasnt exactly done very well becuase i did eat today and that could also be why im feeling better. Yes i did break my fast at 48 hours yesterday and Yes i did eat too much yesterday and No that was not what i wanted to have happen BUT at least i made it to 48 hours. and also i guess i am new to getting back into fasting and stuff. but thats not the kind of excuse i should be making with the way i look so im going to hopefully do better moving forward. i plan on telling my family that im too nauseous to eat dinner tonight because i ate earlier and i want that to be my omad hopefully. i hate that my family normally has dinner so late because it makes it so much harder to omad. i feel like 5 pm is the perfect time to omad and my parents arent even home by then so that never works out

but yeah this is a significantly happier entry which will probably change in the coming week but i guess i have to take it one day at a time