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this blog may contain sensitive information about topics like purging, body image issues, suicide. please read at your own risk. if you know me irl, please please please don't share anything i write here with anyone else unless i explicitly say it's okay - respect my privacy!
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lowkey personally have noticed that i have been feeling like chagu
got to explain quantum superposition and the origin of the blue led to my fam today!! they did NOT care but it was fun to talk about
genuinely don't know what i'm gonna do when school starts. like i keep saying this but i genuinely feel like im gonna kms i hate myself so bad. like for real. like what is wrong with me. there are genuinely not words. like in the english language. to explain how ugly i am. just like. EW. like legit jumpscared myself in the mirror the other day. i wish i was playing this up because seriously idek what to do with myself. like im genuinely hopeless idek how to describe how i feel. Perhaps i should take my meds🤔
also cant stop thinking about 2x11 sex birth death. i say this about like every criminal minds ep ever so atp its so watered down but it genuinely makes me want to die its so sad. i could write a whole essay on nathan. really want to analyze his and spencer's relationship. it's so so interesting having spencer in the like. father figure role (jesus i'm tired i couldn't remember the word for father figure i kept saying found father) rather than the son considering how he's normally like the baby of the group -- like the way morgan calls him kid, his relationship with hotch as the father figure, his relationship with gideon as the father figure, his relationship with alex blake w her as a mother figure, the way he's not super emotionally in touch with himself... etc etc. also the fact that 2x11 he mentioned diana and compared his relationship with his mom to how he thought about nathan is super interesting. i dont remember if its this episode specifically but i remember there being a quote in cm at some point that talked about how children eventually become their parents' parents which connects back to spencer and diana and nathan. could ALSO write another whole thing about that. like jesus christ in that one episode where spencer tied that scarf to diana's wrist and his wrist and fell asleep in that armchair with her in his bed.. like jesus christ man. that's insane tbh. the way spencer relates to nathan is also very very interesting. esp w the classic "i know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind" quote which is absurd when nathan was literally on the way to khs. parallels in that episode go very very crazy (also with the actual unsub vs nathan like with the writing in their laptops about prostitutes being whores). i feel like i could write a lot of good analysis on all of this if i wasn't TOO FREAKING TIRED TO EVEN GET MY THOUGHTS TOGETHER i feel like ive been running on nothing for the past month. idk what to do anymore tbh. also can't stop thinking about nathan leaving spencer's business card on the hotel table like a suicide note because... omfg what. jesus christ man. its like a modern shakespearean tragedy tbh i feel like literally everyone on the planet including the cm directors brushed past this episode way too fast because like omg. there was an interesting point in that episode i think i could dig out about children needing to be treated like children based on nathan's relationship with his mom but i'm not sure i have enough evidence for that one other than the part where she's talking about how she thinks he deserves to be treated like an adult despite his condition so it's just gonna sit in my brain. anyways thats current braindump
i might be actually turning a little nocturnal. pulled another all nighter last night and then slept from like 12 pm to 5 pm today. or i guess yestreday. might pull another all nighter tonight. idk why errr. but actually my sense of time is genuinely so screwed i don't know when anything has happened i think im also messing up my internal clock insanely but idk how to fix this
rewatched 2x11 sex birth death today and realized it's actually one of the best episodes of criminal minds. typa episode to stick with me for like a long long time after i watch it. it was really really really fucking sad i'm really glad nathan didn't show up ever as an unsub because i would've killed myself. forgot this one was the one where spencers like "ik what its liketo b afraid of ur own mind" which is a crazy line. and ugh its just such a fantastic episode with all of the parallels and the metaphor and symbolism and stuff like ugh. it's just so sad like so sad dude. i'm really glad nathan ended up living though bc those last five minutes were genuinely tragic. insanely amazing episode though for sure
im about to do some really stupid shit
wish me luck gang
lowkey like. like actually struggling. like mentally. like idk what's wrong w me
like this is the worst sleep schedule i've ever had. like ever. i'm in the middle of ANOTHER all nighter, i woke up at 5 pm yesterday, this is the worst eating schedule i've had in forever, IM FUCKING FAT, off my meds cause i cant get myself to take them, cant get off my phone, literally nothing feels real, what is even happening rn
like i actually dont know whats wrong with me. criminal minds is no longer a good enough excuse to be this insane ngl. legitimately don't know what's happening. lowkey scared. lowkey kind of nervous. actually really really have to start fasting again because. there is something wrong with me fully. like what the FREAKKK BROOOO. i like. cant even go outside im like. like i actually cant even look at myself. this sucks so bad like genuinely i dont have any excuses anymore
if i was a depression starver i think i would b cured by now. god freaking nerfed me bruh i wouldve been too strong
omw to take my meds #cured
ok guys.this is actually not funny anymore. idc how many drugs i have to take im not going another month without losing any weight thats literally a promise. may kms if not. this isnt evenfunny anymore like whats actually wrong w me. i mean like i know whats wrong with me but WHAT IS WRONGGGG WITH MEEE. like i used to purge a lot but also restrict but now i just eat shit and throw it up liike full on bulimic moment. like its actually really bad like ohhh! ok this is what they mean when they say bulimics only lose weight for a limited amount of time and then overcompensate and get deeper into the cycle and like. never lose any weight ever again! like im actually screwed. like COOKED. also im gonna miss july fr because july is always mjy walking month. for some reason. like last yr i did the same thing i just cant walk around outside so i like. walk around my room. whichis lowkey embarassing wtf is wrong w me. like fr i dunno how im actually gonna be able to end up going to school caus ei frrrr cannot look at myself rn i need to freaking dieee im s sick of this.
how insane would it be of me to say criminal minds lowkey keeping me alive rn. like highkey actually. dont know what i would do if i didnthave a thing to latch onto rn. IM STERWUYERYUYIIYSFDGHJKHJVXCC i cant go back to dance i literally cant i cant i literally cant do this i cant im gonna fucking kms i cant go back to dance genuinely i dont know what im going to do. idk i really justewi477e77453866735867845039092.
ok. im actually locking in i dont care. like im actually locking in. okay. DEAR GOD PLEASE DEAR GOD IF YOU R THERE I LITERALLY NEED UR HELP if u can hear me PLEASE remove 50 pounds from my body overnight I CANT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO FUCKING FAT YITU3434T43UIYI4IUEIYRYTUIRSDJJTFERWOIWUQOHW im locking in. im actually locking in. goig to download the stupid iamsober app and NEVER BINGE AGAIN. thats it. im so done idc howmany substances i have to abuse i will NOT go back to school or dance looking like this. like i actually wont. im not doing it. i will actually kms if i have to i cannot have ppl looking at m. EYS4TUYEUWRUWRETUIYR3378RW pls. pls god if u are listening i NEED you to get rid of whatever the freak is wrong with me and grant me anorexia. please. i dont crea how controversial that is i literally want last year back so bad i cant do this 349782587t4wreiwurw9 im going to kms if this gets any worse like48y4y58 UGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
i am literally so fucking fat like wtf is wrong with uou. are you stupid or soemthign HOW R U GONNA BE THINKING ABT THIS ALL THE TIME AND STILL END UP EATING. like am i fucking stupid what. what. LITERALLY WHAT. im locking in RN because this is my last straw i cant do this nymore i dont careugfdsjgfghj pls hmu if you have drugs. preferably ones that make you lose considerable amounts of weight. pls. like asap please
ok what happens if i actually pull a spencer reid. do u guuys think dilaudid makes u lose weight. may need to find out. and go seek it out. i wish i was joking im literally like. i actually dk what to do w myself.what do i even do atp like nothing is gonna even fix me i just need t actually get worse and ill be happy
need to figure out how to hire a hitman that will shoot me in the head if i open the fridg
also i was thinking yesterday and i was like wait that is a genius thought. so i thought i would share. WHY IS IT SO WIDELY ACCEPTED FOR PREGNANT WOMEN TO THROW UP EVERYDAY BUT I CANT DO THAT SHIT EVER. i mean like duh i know why but like. like does it not ruin their enamel and like. bones and heart too???? like it cant be that much worse because im MAKING mysel throw up. how is that actually that harmful. can my heart stop being so dramatic. like gang chill out like its not that big of a deal
GROSS TMI MOMENT this is a fact about myself that i otherwise will be taking to the grave becuase its probably the most embarassing thing ive EVER done in public but a few days ago on vacay i had a donut for breakfast and i was like damnnn that was like such a bad idea. but it was too late cause i was already on the way to the becah before i started to REGRET regret it so... i went to some spot in the woods and literally just puked my guts out. there r specifics but i will not be detailing them bc tmi. no one came by it was a biking trail so i was lowkey scared someone was gonna show up but... maybe th most disordered thing ive ever done other than that one time i got 26k steps by pacing around my room w my phone😭😭😭 lowkey very embarassing. will continue to b embarassed about it forever probably
idk if purging up alchohol is usually weird but i literally did not taste it at all coming back up it was very unusual. if y mom ever reads this im screwed btw
on a good note my music taste is literally so banging rn ive been so into paper bag by fiona apple and don't dream it's over by crowded house. ALSO HAVE BEEN PLAYING GUITAR AGAIN SINCEI GOT HOME LETS GOOOO LETS FREAKING GO its really fun and i missed it a lot. ive got a ton of fresh music to play too. super super fun. going 2 watch crimnal minds rn
anemic girls where yall at. on vacation and left my meds @ home, possibly bad bc i think i almost passed out in the shower yesterday but dont know for sure. it was rly scary idk my knees started getting like. shaky and my vision got really staticky?? and i couldn't see anything. and then i like couldnt hear the song i was listening to. i dont rly remember what i was thinking i like grabbed the wall and turned off the shower and like. laid down on the floor outside for a while and felt kind of sleepy. lowkey it was scary but i dont really know if it was anyythung.
scene in criminal minds during spencer's addiction that rly gets me is when hes staring at himself in the mirror for a long time before he takes out the drufs from his bag. kind of reminded me of when i purged for the first time i wa just looking in the mirror for a long time. idk i like to think i know what hes thinking caues i got really scared @ myself and i think he was too. i think it wasn't really realistic becuse i don't think he would have stopped even with ethan's help but it stillmeans so so much to me that it happened. i have a lot of addiction genes in me and i really feel like i'm going to get a lot worse with everything when i grow up not jsjt purging-wise. spencer really is so important to me i don't know how to describe it but i cry so hard at his addiction. he reminds me why i don't do that o myself even though he makes me want to at the saem time. he is so so so important to me and i love him so so so much
gonna see if i can pick up some berberine from target when i get back home, i think it's over the counter and i think itll help.
i am so so so guilty im doing this int he same house my dad is in becaues if he notices then im gonna get sent back to therapy i know it
junimo kart can go FUCK ITSELF im choosing happiness i literally dont even care about these qi gems anymore ive been trying to beag this stupid stupid whale with ihs stupid looking smirk for 2 HOURS IM so mad omfg this is possibly the worst game ever made i dont even like whales bruh hes got a stupid face
i forgot how to code a little bit im just going to make this a rough draft for now. goonna get emo but i dont know who told my mom i throw up after i eat and she hasnt said anything about it since she told me she knew. im really scared still but im hoping she forgot. need to talk about how much i hate myself. i hate eating i hate starving i hate binging i hate purgingi just want someone to kill me so i dont have to do anything anymore. my life is literally a mess i dont even like doing anythng anymore. im too fat to dance im going to start purging more so i can have a heart attack and die
the only people who love me are my family and i disappoint them every day i just wish i could do something right idk whats wrong w me i cant do anything
theres nothing stopping me from getting drunk and doing drugs so i should start now
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current listen - the bends by radiohead