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im back on my bullshit just because ts school year has sucked so fucking bad
i just feel so fucking incompetent i literally have so much to do and cant do any of it because im just so bad at everything. i literally cant do my homework and i just bombed this math test today like so bad. idk how im going to do shit in college because i literally dont know how to function in school
dance is making everything worse because i have to be back in front of a mirror everyday and i just feel so ugly every time i look at myself like SO ugly. and i hate being at school because i dont like it when other people are looking at me. i literally just want to be left alone like desperately. ballet is so awful this year because i just feel so fat every time i walk into class which just makes me want to actually die. im so so sick of dance i just want to stop going because it makes me feel so horrible about myself and so bad at everything
im so sick of therapy with my mom because she just doesnt get any better and i jcant have any normal conversations with her without me having to do something or having some sort of obligation or something which makes me sound really entitled and privileged and shit because obviously everybody has shit to do but it just makes me not want to spend any time with her because i just dont have the motivation to do anything in life. shes mad at me for not waking up in the morning but literally the only thing i want to do is just sleep because i dont have to do anything when im asleep. im so fucking scared about school and all of the stuff im doing because i cant keep up with all of it and i feel like im literally barelu hanging on to all of the stuff that im doing in school and shit. like i feel like im just bad at everything now because all i spend my time doing is dumb shit like this and like sleeping and playing fucking games and going on tiktok like literally what the fuck am i doing with my life
i feel like i rely so heavily on the ability to analyze and write and do shit that way that ive given up completely on actually studying or doing homework or vocabulary or anything. like i am just BARELY able to get good grades because i dont fucking do anything and i feel like such a fucking fraud. girls in my grade were making a bet or something on who would be able to get me to be their peer editor for a big paper (the implication being that im a really good writer) and i feel like proud but also like i feel like theres so much fucking pressure. like everybody tells me that im really smart and that im top 1% and everything but i literally feel like such a fucking fraud because i cant study and i cant do work and i literally cant do shit so i dont know how im actually going to make it in life and i feel like im just going to let everyone down and people are going to be so diappointed in me if i dont get into good schools because everybody thinks im smart
chronicling my shitty past 24 hours because ts is. Insane. im on my phone though so i cant rly do any of the formatting shit or whatever. its fine. anyways. 1) have dance yesterday 2)feel very "omg. I am So fat" 3) feel sad when get home. drink cup of some shitty alcohol in green bottle i found in friedge and entire bottle of almond extract. with coke zero as chaser 4) drop empty cup on the floor(i am drunk)! shatters into million pieces on bathroom floor. glass in foot! its not bad though and it dowsnt hurt anymore thank god 5) spend 30 minutes cleaning up five trillion pieces of glass from my bathroom floor 7) cry to sleep andisten to sparks thinking about this pretty girl 8) wake up at 8:30 for 9 am school! 9) arrive late to spanish class (we have test) and want to die. fukcking bomb the simulated conversation. teacher gives me a page that somehow has no back but only a cfront so i only answer two questions and then she has to give me the back page and i have to stay testing when other people are done because she gave me thr wrong fucking page 10) english test. fucking hate my english teacher 11) gym with friends. "Oh my god i am so fat." i literally want to die 12) think about girl and feel sad because she doesnt like me 13) get home and eat part of muffin for literally no fucking reason at all 14) decide to skip dance because one: there is a goant fucking fat ass pimple on my forehead and two. i am fat. call that situational irony! 15) throw up to fuckahh car seat headrest. so rhat is my day and my mom clmes home to ight so im genuinely going to kill myself because shes going to be so angry at me for missing dance because like i get it like it costs money and im not fucking on top of my shit at all i iust like i cant likw im so fucking scared and im so disappointed in myself like i genuinely cant do shit like why am i so fucking incompetent what the fuck is wrong with me. and i like this girl so bad and i just feel like a creep bc she doesnt like me i think but i dont even know if i actually like her anyways because sometimes my brain just does weird shit to me
ok im writing ts on the plane lmao. also i have to figure out the formatting for this becasue i HIGHKEY forgot how to code but like.actually nvm i fixed formatting but lowk this whol blog is hard t use because u have to scrollso much but WHATEVER its just for me anyways.
this one is kind of more personal i guess becasuse i like. never really talk about it. at all. but like this girl is genuinely like crack to me. like im writing this right now because i was like texting her for like an hour on tiktok andmessages adn like omg. thank god she isnt going to see this. but like oh my god i genuinely love her so much like shes like the perfect person like we just like Click and like she is so pretty and so smart and so funny and so kind like we have the same humor and i get really like REALLY scared when she doesnt text back like she stopped texting like an hr ago and i just get so stressed that like maybe she hates me or like did i do something wrong or did i make her upset or offend her or say something bad and i just like cant lose this friendship because im like desperately depending on my friends this year because i cant spend time alone like i cant like i cant i have like idk. idk what im talking about idk. but like genuinely i miss her like all the time and i always want to spend time with her and shes obviously busy and like so am i but like sometimes im worried that she just doesnt like me and i mean idek if what i feel is in a friend way or in like a romantic way because im terrible at differentiating (lol calc double entendre ahh) but like she is genuinly so perfect like. idk is it like really really creepy that i like listen to songs and think about her like i feel like a creep but i just like i love spending time with her and she makes me laugh so much and her eyelashes are so pretty.she makes me think of sparks by coldplay and in my room by julia whatshername and and like north by clairo and moved along by wilt and oh my godddd ohmy goddddlike i feel like im genuinely oging insane like i feel like i like her so much that its bad. like its liek oh my god oh mygoddddd idk what im even talking about. but like ive been talking to her nonstop and actually like omg. like omg. and we have like the same opinions and music taste and like omg. i know she doesnt like me romantically because like. im chopped asf number one and number 2 i dont. idk. i dont put myself out there like that idk i dont thinkliek. i dont think anyone has ever liked me like that. but like omg. omg. omg.like i cant stop checking messages to see if shes texted back and i feel dumb and clingy and gross and like so annoying. like i really dont want to annoy her i just want her to like me and talk to me and idk idk idk im like actually UGHHHHHHH
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current listen - all they wanted by panchiko