im tweaking out im ACHGGGGG AHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHAHHHHH

i literally have never liked a girl this much in my life ever before im like actually like i feel like im going crazy

fml fml fml idk why this always fucking happens to me AGHHH AGHAHG AGHHHH my sgomach literally hurts so bad from this i feel insane

not to be read by anyone i know irl

this is dumb but i just wanted to rant about the whole crush situation just because i like her so much that it genuinely hurts like shes so fucking pretty and PLEASE DONT READ THIS IF YOU KNOW ME IRL PLEASE but like ugh we js had a big conversation last night and i just genuinely get so much joy out of talking to her like im always grinning and stuff just because shes so funny and witty and ughhhhhhhh

the thing that does upset me sometimes when i talk to her is that she will gibe a lot of recommendations for songs and media and stuff and i will literaly take all of them like ive gotten into kpop because of her😭 but then like when i give recommendations for like songs and stuff she usuallyh wont respond. which i guess is fine becasue i know she doesnt like me back so thats not eally something to be upset about becuase like she doesnt HAVE to repsonds IDK IDKIDK i just wish she woud take music recommendations more often bceaseu i really love sharing things with people and especialllly with her

shes genuinely so pretty like she has such a sweet smile and i think ive mentioned before that her eyes are SO pretty and her eyelashes are so long and like ughhhh this is the stupidest thing ever but i just want to give her a hug and tell her how cool and smart i think she is

shes so well-spoken too like we have little debates and stuff with one another sometimes and shes so rational and logical like i admire her thinking ability so much

i just desperately hope she knows how amazing she is because im too afraid to tell her and stuff because i know she doesnt like me back like that and i dont want to mess up our friendship but like more than anything i just want her to believe that shes smart and beautiful and funny and wonderful to be around. ok yeah thats basically all i wanted to talk about

i honestly dont have that much to write about right now im just procrastinating writing thsi research paper lol

life has been good in the past couple of days tbh im just like deeply exhausted. i havent been getting enough sleep for like a long time now which i think is lowk really affecting me. i just like playing persona 5 at night 💔 i think dance hasnt been super helping that either because i had a couple of nutcracker performances yesterday and then one today and then two on sunday. tbh ive been forgetting that i ahve like Actual homework between the research paper and the dance stuff and mock trial so i woke up this morning and i was like oh damn. i have spanish homeowrk. it seriously pmo. i should be doing it rn but whatever. im just soooos soososo tired i feel like im on autopilot

ive been doing music therapy for a while now and its sorta just funny to me like wdym i sing and play guitar with my therapist and show her music and shit. like what. its super fun tho. shes like millenial core but i love her

this is an amazing song also i have gotten a lot of music recommendatiosn from a friend and im very happy about that! i actually really like kpop! i like martin from cortis a lot hes like actually So COOL

im reading the illustrated man cover to cover for the first time and god i forgot how much i love ray bradbury. honestly every time i reread any of his works it rekindles my love for english. like woowww this is beautiful. the only bradbury short stories ive read are there will come soft rains, the veldt, kaleidoscope, and the long rain. i think i also maybe read the pedestrian a long time ago or read a summary (very anti-fahrenheit-451 i know) but i forgot completely what it's about and need to reread. the illustrated man is so lovely so far and im so interested by the actual illusrated man -- i was researching whether hes the same character as mr dark in something wicked this way comes (esp since bradbury does love to add little easter eggs for fans like the the pedestrian reference in fahrenheit 451) but didnt find much other than that its pretty much up to the reader. personally i think its the same dude! especially Spoiler Alert since at the end of the illustrated man we find out that the guy might have some Evil Tendencies. idk but anyways my favorite so far has been kaleidoscope by farrr. it was so so beautiful i was like about to cry at the end of it. my dad has mentioned this one a lot so i was super excited to read but wooow. i really love literature that deals with human nature -- thats part of why i like romantic literature so much -- so it was super interesting. also it was just so sad to read about hollis' empty life and how he wishes he couldve done more and how all of the meanness had accumulated in him. the whole time i was just thinking Wow i dont want to die like that without having ever really lived. but also it was so beautiful how hollis ended up meaning something to someone at the end of the story. also the imagery around stone's death and him being like a kaleidoscope in the asteroids was so incredible I LOVE BRADBURY SO MUCH

also one thing ive noticed about bradbury's writing is that he loooves to write about people being dead/dead-like while they're alive. like mildred from fahrenheit 451 would be a good example of this with her being basically a zombie. or the men from the long rain that were walking like zombies across venus slowly losing their minds. or also how in the veldt george mentioned that they were dead the whole time and by turning off the house they were going to really start living. but anyways i noticed all of these together when i was reading the part in kaleidoscope where hollis is lamenting about how he "died" a long time before the story takes place because he never really did anything with his life. Damn damn damn i would write a FIRE essay about this ughhhh ughh omg i love english so much i love comparative essays i love literature i LOVE BRADBURY!!!!

anyways another thing that ive been tihnking about is my english teacher becuase ive sort of had beef with her this whole schoolyear because i jsut dont like the way she teaches or the way she uses ai in the classroom. but i was looking up bradbury on tiktok and i came across a video of him talking about how he dislikes higher education because it kills creativity. i dont fully agree with bradbury on that take but it reminded me a lot of the transcendentalist movement which weve been talking about in english a lot recently. i know bradbury is post modernist but i still think its so cool how you can still see vestiges of past literary movements in his way of thinking and writing. anyways i was like damn. you know whos the only person i could actually talk to about this? ...my english teacher. tbh just becuase i think my friends would be SO annoyed if i started going on about The Remnants of Transcendentalism in Bradbury's Way of Thinking 😭 but yeah so i might talk to my english teacher about this because i think its so cool

unrelated but i want to take singing lessons again because ive honestly really missed having those. plus i just want to singgg ive been so into singing and obviously im not amazing at it but its so fun and i want to be better

also i think EmoNess in the last post becuase i was off my meds haha. but idk i feel sort of happy right now? and i feel like the only way i can get myself to feel like this is to go cold turkey off meds for a bit and then start taking them again randomly so i can have the rebound from the sadness instead of it being all just bleehhh. that doesnt make any sense but whatever

my family had a late thanksgiving dinner since yesterday we were doing something else. so today when we all went around and said what we were thankful for my uncle told us about how his friend had killed himself the week before and how he wanted us to know that life is so hard but that we always have people to turn to becuase his friend didnt feel like he had people to turn to. and he started crying and so did like most of the table and the whole time i was just thinking that like the timing is crazy and i guess it was like a reminder that my family cares about me even if it doesnt feel that way sometimes. it was just really sad

speaking of feeling like my family doesnt care about me. my cousins sometimes will like make fun of the way i look in pictures or yesterday my sister was like recording me because she thought i was making a weird face. and like it just makes me feel so bad about myself because i already know im ugly i just dont understand why they have to rub it in and shit. like it just makes me really sad and i dont understand why they do it

another weird family thing that happened is that my grandpa got drunk tonight and was being weird. like he came up to me and was being weird like You know youre such a beautiful girl like you really are beautiful like youre not a little girl anymore youve really grown up and youre really beautiful. it felt uncomfortable but i hopefully dont think he meant anything weird by it i think he was just drunk. he said smth similar to my cousin as well. but im not going to tell my parents about it because my grandpa has had substance abuse issues for a long time and for that reason my mom was very distant from him for a good amount of her adult life. and i just dont want to ruin that relationship for her now that my grandpa has sort of gotten close with my family again.

also my 2 cousins that are my age have been staying in my room and i TOLD THEM not to trash it and its been TWO DAYS and this place genuinely looks like a shitstorm its so fucking messy like are we serious

i also just feel fat asf now thqt thanksgiving is over and genuinely am having such a terrible year

i was gonna talk to a friend about this but it ironically felt annoying to ask to talk about it. but basically i also have just been feeling so annoying like i js talk way too much. honestly this has been happening for a long time because when i was obsessed with ranboo i would talk about him constantly like to an insane extent. but a friend earlier this week mentioned that like whenever i would send leon kennedy edits to her all the time it was like super annoying or something to that effect. and i was js thinking like damn like i KNOW its annoying i just dont know how to stop. like WHERE DO I PUT THIS ENERGY i dont know what my issue is with these things that i get super obsessed with because then i turn into this genuinely insanely annoying asshole that talks about nothing but fucking leon kennedy or ranboo or spencer reid or whatever it is. i just get so excited about it and genuinely forget how to shut tf up. i just feel terrible for all of the people that have to put up with me talking because i cannot imagine how tiring it is and i want to change and try to be less annoying i just dont know how

i also have been feeling really badly recently because i keep forgetting details and shit from past conversations which makes it seem like i dont give af about shit that my friends talk about but i really feel awful becuase i LOVE when my friends talk about shit they enjoy and stuff i just have been having a really bad time with my memory because of how out of it ive been and i guess how much ive been trying to just stay alive which is just a terrible excuse and not really valid at all. i know it makes me pointless to talk to if i cant remember stuff my friends talk about and i know im not being a good friend and im genuinely so sorry to all of them and i feel awful about it every day because i am so grateful for all of them and all i do to show it is fucking forget about shit they talk about

its not even what my uncle was saying about how i have people to turn to. cause thats not really why i want to die. like i know i have people to turn to i just also know that it would burden them if i did turn to them when i needed them. becuase im honestly having such a hard time mentally that there isnt a person in my life that can truly support me emotionally just because it would be so hard to keep up with how much i feel depressed and suicidal. honestly i just feel like it would be better for everyone if i wasnt here because ive tested it out often by like leaving the room during hangouts with friends at school and nobody ever notices or gives a shit about my absence. i know people do better when im not in the room and i know i dont deserve them in the first place tbh. i feel unimportant almost always